


Todd and The Monster

by the_human_toast



Series: Sad Poets Society [1]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Child Neglect, Dead Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society), M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25300183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_human_toast/pseuds/the_human_toast
Summary: Todd has always had trouble sleeping. Now it's worse.
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Series: Sad Poets Society [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1832737
Kudos: 30





	Todd and The Monster

**Author's Note:**

> TW: mention of suicide, child neglect, psicological child abuse. Please take care of yourself, don't read this if you think it may trigger you.
> 
> I hope you like it!

When Todd was little, there had been a monster under his bed. He never saw it, but it had been there, he could smell It's rotten breath that smelled of fish.

Todd hated fish.

When Todd turned nine, he figured the monster couldn´t be that bad, Jeffrey was at school, and Daddy dearest, and Mommy dearest wouldn't worry about Todd too much.

Except when they did: Daddy dearest wanted his son to be perfect and he would scream at him when he thought Todd wasn't trying hard enough to fit info whatever messed up standards he had with the measurements of his brother. "Jeffery isn´t home, dad" he had wanted to say "I don't know how to be him dad" he had wanted to say "I'm sorry, I wish I could be more like him, could you love me anyways?" he had wanted to say.

But Todd wouldn´t interrupt his father's screaming, he knew that couldn't end well. Instead, he looked down at his shoes and repeated his abcs´ in his head over and over again, so that he could think of something other than whatever his father was saying.

Todd began to think he liked the monster under his bed better than he did his father. At least the monster's rotten breath would let him sleep, his father's words didn't.

When Todd went to Welton Academy, the monster had been long gone.

And really, who could think about monsters when Neil had a mouth that tasted of strawberries when it kissed Todd and hands that touched him as if he was precious.

Neil had been everything beautiful Todd could ever want to love.

When Todd couldn't sleep, wouldn't sleep "Dad, I'm sorry, I'm not him. Fuck, could you love me anyways?"

When he kept his eyes open, couldn´t close them because he wasn't enough, couldn't be. Not for his dad. Not for school. Fuck, not for Neil.

Neil would hold Todd as if Todd was enough, and in his ear, he would say Puck's lines to him, like a secret, like a promise.

Todd would fall asleep warm and happy.

But now Neil is dead, and the monster under Todd's bed is back, its breath doesn't smell of fish but of the very same thing Todd's guts did thrown in the snow after having puked them when he learned Neil would never again hold him, or kiss him, or fucking exist to light up the world like the sun but much brighter.

Todd can see it now, the monster, it has the eyes of his father and the wings of an angel, but angels, Todd reminds himself, angels are not evil. The monster is.

At night, the monster holds him and says Puck´s lines to his ear, like a mockery, like poison, sweet as rotten fruit and sharp as a dagger.

Todd stops sleeping altogether.


End file.
